A Fresh Start with my Girlfriend

Question from a reader…

I want a fresh start with my girlfriend and here is why…

Me and my girlfriend started going out about three months ago. We went on four dates and it was clear we liked each other so I asked her out, she was very hesitant because she said that she has been burned so many times before and doesn’t want to put a label on things. She just wanted to enjoy us being us. The next day she said we could be official and from there on we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

A week went by and we spent four out of six days together, it was great except for the fact she was used to being alone so sometimes we would get in tiny arguments. I would ask her questions about her past and that would make me uncomfortable at times and that made her think this wouldn’t last. We keep hanging out the same way she said we were moving to fast but I didn’t understand what that meant. It felt natural not rushed. We got into an argument at a huge parade one day and she decided she just wanted to leave me. I pushed her into an ultimatum and the results were bad. We went and talked and it deescalated and we were fine. We enjoyed our day and had an amazing time.

After that we continued still too see each other at the same rate. She would spend the night five times a week and this was great for me. But she was used to having time to herself to make herself happy. I could only do so much and she needed to be able to go home and rewind.

Finally it came to a breaking point where she asked to be alone for the weekend. I tried my best to not talk to her but I was worried about what was going on. She finally asked me to come over we need to talk. I called her and pushed her into telling me what it was about. She finally said we should break up. I was devastated. We both get along so well and we are always happy together I didn’t understand why. She said that she really likes me but she doesn’t know if she will ever love me. I told her our relationship is still young and that could take time but she said she feels it in her gut. I begged her to reconsider and asked if I could come over. She said she didn’t want to see me that she wanted to do it in person but I pushed her. Now it would be bad to see her.

I thought long and hard about this the rest of the day. I called and talked to her a couple times and we talked it out a little. I asked if maybe we could just start over we rushed into this married like relationship where we both felt obligated to feel a certain way. I told her we could start fresh and go back to just hanging out three times a week and see how that goes. I feel that she wasn’t able to develop the feelings she was worried about because we never had that beginning of relationship peacetime where everything is just happy and fun. No drama no sleep overs just us hanging out and being us. She said she would think about it. I went home and composed this list of everything I liked about the relationship and how I felt we could salvage it. I wrote her a long letter and later that night she called and I read it to her. The letter was just basically me saying we start fresh. There will be no pressure or obligations. Just romance and fun. We would be causal. Go to dinner and go to our own homes. There is no reason to live together right now we have our own lives and own responsibilities. I made promises to her to not rush things and say only positive things. Leave my negative life out of our relationship … She said, sure we can try it. She doesn’t know how she will feel. I asked her for guidelines as to how we should start over do we text? Do I still talk to you at night? She said yes and then said she needs some time and wanted to go. She fell asleep and woke up and said she was emotionally exhausted … I texted her a few more times and it felt like she just wasn’t interested so I went to bed.

We are set to go on a date in three days. Just a casual Wednesday dinner and see how it goes. I’m worried I’m gonna do the wrong thing. How can I show her this relationship can be what she wants. We have all the tools, she just has doubts.

My response…

How to Begin a Fresh Start with your Girlfriend

Don’t worry about showing her that the relationship can work…that’s approval seeking & a part of the problem here. Just focus on keeping things lite & playful…basically just having fun. You’re acting too serious, like you’re trying to lock her into a relationship with you & that would scare anyone away, because it feels to her as if she’s going to lose her freedom. She’s made it clear to you that she enjoys her space, so let her have it.

Going over what you’ve written here…you’re honestly too focused on a relationship, trying to control how things are going to go between you two. You want a label on your relationship, how many nights she will stay over each week, a list on how the relationship can work…this is all needy, insecure & controlling behavior. I’m not trying to pick on you but no woman is going to stick around when you behave in this way. And judging by how she’s responding to all this I’m sure she’s feeling a bit smothered.

I recommend that you just focus on having fun with her…ask her on one date a week for starters. When she begins to feel more safe & comfortable with the relationship she’ll begin to bring up seeing you more & wanting to stay over. A relationship is a marathon, not a sprint to the finish line. Just be patient because if it’s meant to be there’s no rush.

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