She Says She Wants a Break

She says she wants a break, but what exactly does that mean? Are we not going to talk or see each other for a certain amount of time? Does it mean that we’re still a couple, but no longer going on dates or having sex? Did I just get friend-zoned? Are we actually breaking-up? It’s understandable why guys get so confused when a women tells them this. I’ve actually been helping quite a few men lately get through this, so I thought it was a good time to get a post up explaining what this all means and how to deal with it.

She Wants a Break

What she’s really saying is that she wants to break-up. However, either she’s unsure where to go from here, she doesn’t have the courage to actually initiate the break-up, or she wants to keep you around just in case her initial decision was a mistake. She usually says it in this way to soften the blow so it doesn’t totally crush you. But, why does she want a break? Well, we’re going to get into all that shortly, but the short answer is that she has lost attraction for you.

Most men tell me that they never saw it coming, or that they thought the relationship was fine. It totally caught them off-guard. However, this wasn’t an overnight decision for her. She more than likely has been thinking about this for quite a while. Despite popular belief, women typically fall in love slowly over time, which means that they also fall out of love slowly over time. Unless she’s a terrible communicator, she has told you what has been bothering her and probably many times. Has your girlfriend or wife ever said to you, “You never listen to me!” Well, this is what she means. You hear what she’s saying, but you’re not really listening. Women aren’t typically direct when they are telling you these things, so you have to pay attention.

Typical Reasons She Wants a Break

In a nutshell, when she says that she wants a break she has lost attraction for you. You more than likely have stopped treating her properly and you have made some mistakes. You are no longer the man that she fell in love with, and after trying to communicate that you many times she has finally given up. To break it down even more, here are some of the typical reasons that she decided that “she wants a break”.

• You have become too comfortable or complacent
  Basically, you have been taking her granted and have stopped dating and courting her. Have you fallen into a routine or have you stopped taking her out on dates? A lot of men, once they get the girl, they seem to believe that their job is done. No, it’s not. You will always have to date and court her, even when you’re married, if you want to keep her interest.
• You have become too needy or clingy
  No one likes to feel smothered or like they can’t move or breath with you constantly being around and pawing at her. It’s okay to have a life of your own outside the relationship. In fact, you must have a life of your own! It’s what helps keep the relationship interesting and slightly mysterious. I’m in no way saying to ignore her or put her second, but you do need to enjoy your life and not be so focused on her and the relationship. She may complain about it, but more than likely it’s one of the things that originally attracted her to you in the first place.
• You have become too cold
  It’s no secret that most women crave affection, and if you’re not showing her how much you love and care for any longer she’s probably thinking that you don’t. After reading the above “reason” you’re probably thinking, “You just said that I should do my own thing!” Yes, it’s a fine line between overdoing it and under doing it. It’s okay to be warm, loving and affectionate as long as you have your own life as  well. However, keep in mind that showing her affection isn’t just about being physical. It’s also about taking an interest in her life, or showing her support for the things she would like do or pursue.
• You have become too controlling
  This usually goes along with being being needy, because it’s a big red flag for insecurity. It’s usually your fear of losing her that causes you act this way. Be confident that she loves you, because she’s going to do what she wants anyway. One of my favorite quotes is, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free”. This is completely true, and she’ll love you even more if you can master this.
• There’s too much drama
  You’re arguing all the time and nitpicking every little thing she does. This really goes along with being too controlling and again is a result of fear and insecurity. Yes, sometimes you must stand up to her if she crosses your boundaries, but if it’s really not that important then just let it go. Yes, many women do like drama, but not negative drama, and not all the time.
• There may be another guy
  You should realize that 99.9% of women aren’t going to entertain the idea of seeing how things go with a new guy unless the problems I mentioned above weren’t already an issue. If you’re maintaining her love and attraction another guy isn’t going to catch her interest in most cases.

How to Get Her Back

As long as she’s not too far gone you definitely have a chance to turn this around. By her saying that she wants a break doesn’t mean it’s the end or the end of the world.

First, do not panic! Most men screw this up by letting their emotions get the best of them. They blow up the girl’s phone, beg & plead, spew their feelings, send flowers and/or show up unannounced. While some of these actions may be cute and welcome when you’re in a relationship with her (in moderation of course), she does not want any of that now, and it will only push her away further. It communicates to her that you’re emotionally weak and most women’s internal response to this is, “Eew!” It disgusts them.

Your first coarse of action should be to ask her what the issue is. If she’s cool and has the courage to be direct, she’ll tell you. If she doesn’t give you a straight answer, then it’s up to you to think back to figure out where you went wrong. Like I mentioned above, she probably has told you several times in the past and either you weren’t listening or you didn’t think she was serious. Once you figure that out you can begin to work at correcting the issue(s).

Next, tell her that you love her and you would like to work things out. If she’s not interested in that, calmly and politely accept her decision and tell her that she should get in touch with you if she has a change of heart. Then walk away and don’t reach out to her again. I realize that this response may seem harsh, but she changed the terms of your relationship and unless she’s willing to give it another shot, anything you do or say will only push her away. Keep in mind, that attraction is not a conscious choice. Besides, by telling her to get in touch if she has a change of heart leaves the door open for her in case she feels she made a mistake. It also communicates your strength in handling the situation, and that you won’t fall apart without her. Especially if you were acting needy or insecure, she must feel your strength. Emotional strength in a man is very attractive to women and if you weren’t demonstrating that to her before, it’s important that you do that now if you ever want a second chance with her.

If she told you that she wants a break and you’re still not sure how to handle the situation, please visit my coaching page and book a one-on-one email coaching with me and we will see what we can do to turn this “break” around.

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Do you have a question about your relationship? Send me a message of 2-3 paragraphs explaining your situation for a response. I may also use it in an upcoming post (your privacy will be respected). I must respond to my paying clients first, however. If you would like an immediate response please see my coaching page.