Question from a reader – I’ve been on and off with this girl for about 5 years now. (I’m now 24 and shes 21). We have shared a lot of groundbreaking moments together that brought us closer throughout the years. We’re even talking about getting married and having kids at one point. I haven’t necessarily been the best boyfriend in that period of time. I have cheated on her once or twice and she has forgiving me both times. I finally broke it off for good with her about six months ago because I felt I wasn’t the man that she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. It was a very emotional day for the both of us and she begged me not to do this.

Should I Use the No Contact Rule on My Girlfriend?

We still communicated just as much afterwards even did some of the same things together had sex hung out a lot etc. As within the last two months however she’s begun to distance herself from me slowly as the weeks passed by. This began to take its toll on me as I became more frustrated with the distance that is growing between us. She would go spend time with other people and not respond to any message I sent her until she was done hanging out with them and sometimes not even after that. Finally I asked her what the deal was and she said that she just wanted to be friends for now. I kind of knew that eventually this was going to happen I just don’t understand the timing of it. More so I don’t really know if no contact at this point would be the best option or not. I feel as though I’ve never had a period of voluntary no contact with her in these five years I’ve known her. That’s why it seems to be so difficult for me to understand the point of NC (“no contact rule”).

I’ve gotten to know this girl better than I have anybody else in my entire life and I know that I’m young but I do truly believe that she could be the one for me. I just don’t want to risk trying anymore behavior that may actually push her further away from me, or is that the point?

My response…

Should You Use The No Contact Rule?

The thing so many don’t understand about NC (“no contact rule”) is that it shouldn’t be used as a tool of manipulation or to ignore someone, because that’s just playing games and eventually game playing will just make things worse.

In your case “no contact” is a good idea because your girl is showing a lot of signs of needing space. This means that you simply stop initiating contact for a while so she’s not feeling smothered and controlled by you…to give her some time for her feelings & attraction grow. When she contacts you, respond. Confidently ask her on a date, set a definite day/time, then politely end the conversation. Save the detailed conversation for the date. Attraction grows in space, especially for women.

Basically you just have to relax a bit & have a little patience. It sounds like you might be acting a little insecure & needy. These are major turnoffs for women. Just be strong & patient…& allow her the space to come to you at her own pace.

The Proper Use of the No Contact Rule

First, let me explain what the “no contact rule” is, because so many people get it wrong. It’s NOT to ignore someone, but simply a period of time where you stop initiating contact. Too many times I hear about people applying the no contact rule and they’re actually ignoring the person. The only time you want to ignore someone is if you want them out of your life for good, because that’s what ignoring someone will do; it will drive them away. They’ll think that you’re no longer interested in hearing from them.

As mentioned above, you should never use no contact to manipulate someone, because that’s playing mind games with them and basically using the silent treatment, and I can guarantee you that it will not end well; especially if they know what the “no contact rule” is. After all, this is not a punishment and the silent treatment is really just immature.

So, when is it okay or appropriate to use the no contact rule? The best time to use it is when your girlfriend or partner has has broken up with you, is being cold & distant or, they have made it clear that they need space. If they have pushed you away in some way, shape or form then “no contact” should be applied. They have made it obvious that they don’t want to hear from you or need some time to themselves, so any contact from you will only annoy them and push them away further. In this particular case you should not contact them at all until you hear from them first. If she has broken up with you or has requested space, the best response for something like that is to say something along the lines of “Okay. Get in touch with me if you change or mind or, let me know when you’re ready to talk again.” Then just leave them be. This way you’re leaving the door open for them in case they do change their mind, and if/when they finally do contact you, you’ll know why they’re reaching out. Besides, if she truly loves you she will be contacting you sometime in the future. If she doesn’t contact you then you know that she doesn’t value you much and you can get on with your life.

The only other time the “no contact rule” should be applied is when they are or have been acting disrespectful towards you. If she’s not returning calls/texts, stood you up or has blown you off then her actions are speaking loud and clear; she has little to no respect for you, you have little value to her, you’re a low priority or she just doesn’t care that much about you. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but why would you give any of your valuable time to someone who thinks so little of you, your time and your feelings. If that’s the case, then get back out there and start dating again until you find a woman who respects your time.

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