when your girlfriend pulls away

When Your Girlfriend Pulls Away, Do This…

When your girlfriend pulls away, seemingly for no reason at all, is one of the most confusing things men face in dating and relationships. Everything was going great and suddenly she’s not texting you back, or not as quickly, or perhaps she’s canceling or not available for dates, or she flat out says that she needs some space. You begin to wonder, “what the hell just happened? did I say or do something wrong? Is she upset with me? Is there another dude? Has she lost feelings?” While any of those scenarios could be true, the fact is that women will always pull away from you from time to time. It doesn’t mean it’s the end.

when your girlfriend pulls away

When Your Girlfriend Pulls Away

The reasons your girlfriend pulls away can be several; maybe she’s either going through some personal issues, or perhaps she’s a bit hormonal. The most likely reason is that she’s just become a bit too familiar with you. Things between you two have gotten a little easy and predictable, and she needs some time and space away from you to see how she feels, or if she misses you. Basically, her attraction for you has dropped a bit. You can argue that her attraction has dropped; however, when women are feeling a high level of attraction for you they WANT to see you, they WANT to talk to you. They will do what it takes to make that happen. Attraction trumps everything!

How to Handle When Your Girlfriend Pulls Away

Do not chase her! When our girlfriend pulls away, for most of us, the logical response is to start laying on the love and romance a bit thicker in order to try to get her feelings, or attraction back up. As counter-intuitive as it seems, the best way to handle this is to just let her go and let her re-engage when she’s ready. Even if your relationship is on the cusp of a breakup, this is the best way to respond.

Having emotional self-control and patience during a time like this demonstrates your internal strength. Women find this to be a very attractive quality in a man. It’s important to always remember, women find strength in a man attractive, like men find beauty in women attractive. So, acting weak, needy, desperate and chasing her will only repulse her and push her away further. Women intuitively know that if they pull back, and you don’t chase her, that you have confidence and certainty in yourself, in her and in the relationship.

She also needs to know that she has the freedom to become emotional and pull away, and that you will still be there with open arms when she’s ready to come back. If you get emotional when your girlfriend pulls away, she won’t be able to trust you or feel emotionally safe around you. However, at the same time, you don’t want to become her doormat. So, know what you’re willing to accept and what you won’t tolerate.

Attraction Grows in Space

Studies have proven that women are more attracted to men when they’re uncertain about his feelings. She needs to think about you and wonder about you when you’re not around. Her love and attraction for you is actually increasing when this happens. When your girlfriend pulls away, letting her go, or you backing away a bit, is the only way that will cause her attraction for you to begin to increase.

Handling it this way is actually a win-win. Either her attraction will begin to rise again, or you can begin moving on much easier if her attraction has dropped beyond repair. Unfortunately, her attraction dropping too low and being unrecoverable does happen from time to time. In that case, just letting her go is your best move.

How To Avoid Her Pulling Away in The Future

You don’t want to allow you two to becoming too familiar. This means doing things like, over-communicating, seeing each other everyday, etc. Obviously this is a bit tougher if you’re married or living together. So, it’s best that both you and her have independence outside the relationship, where you both do your own thing. As a man, you do this by focusing a little more on yourself and your mission and/or purpose in life. It’s okay to be a little selfish and self involved. By keeping some of your independence, it will naturally create a little space and mystery between you two.

Most people believe that, when you’re a couple you must do everything together. However, when you’re always together it leaves you with nothing to talk about, no new stories to share, or new things to look forward to. As I mentioned, by you having some independence, it creates a little mystery and challenge for her, which, ultimately, helps keep her engaged and attracted to you. Just be sure that you do make time especially for her, where you can be fully present with her. Otherwise she will start to feel as if you don’t care about her and eventually this will push her away.

Statistics show that one of the biggest reasons why women leave men is because the man is not fully present. So, it’s a delicate balance between giving her too much and not giving her enough. You have to figure out where that balance is in your own relationship, because everyone is different.

When Your Girlfriend Pulls Away, Then Comes Back

You want to be a bit less available to her. Go do your own thing for while and respond to her when you get a chance. This is not to punish her, but slowly pull her back in and facilitate her growing attraction. You also don’t want to ask her out or to get together right away, either. Let it go for a week or so. If she’s really missing you, she will begin to bring up wanting to see you. Then you simply make a date with her.

You also want to cut back on your communication a bit; whether it’s text, phone calls, chat or social media. And when you do communicate, end the conversation early a few times. Like in show business, or a cliffhanger at the end of a TV show, this leaves her wanting more of you. When you do finally see her in person, don’t touch her as much. Let her put in a little effort. Resist her a bit and let her come to you. After all, she was the one who pulled away from you. You never want to reward bad behavior.

Basically the idea here is, you want her to be a little frustrated vs giving her too much. Women would much rather be a little frustrated about not being able to see you as much as they would like, as opposed to, seeing you too much. The masculine role is to lead the interaction. So, it’s your job, men, to maintain the mystery.

I know it sounds like game-playing, but it’s not if you are truly busy with your own life. If you’re sitting around watching TV, smoking bowls and ignoring her texts or phone calls; then yes, that’s playing games.

Keep In Mind…

All women want a man of high-value; or at least what they perceive to be of high value. A man of value is busy with his own mission and purpose in life, and he can’t just drop everything for her. Chasing her, acting needy and desperate lowers your value, because she knows that she can have you whenever she wants. You will become too easy, and no one appreciates that which comes easy to them.

Do you need help with your girlfriend pulling away, or are you having any issues in your dating and/or relationship? Please visit my coaching page and book a one-on-one email coaching with me and we will get to the bottom of this and get things turned around for you.

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  1. I disagree. If a woman realizes she is not being treated the way she feels she should be or that her man is emotionally distant or selfish she may also pull back.

    1. That’s true, that does happen; however, women pull away from men all the time, whether they realize it or not. This leaves men very confused. The reason why is what I said in this article…they get bored, they feel a bit too familiar with the guy, or the guy has become too predictable. Of course this is all happening subconsciously for women as they are guided by their emotions.

        1. So, you’re saying that if you get a little bored or you’re feeling a little smothered, unless your man is blowing up your phone with texts, showing up to your place unannounced, etc you would dump him?

  2. I am pulling away from my guy right now. He has taken me for granted. I feel unseen and unheard. I am tired of it. I am loosing attraction and feelings for him. I have tried to talk to him about this but he is not listening. What my guys needs to do is be on high alert and really step up his efforts and be consistent. I am one foot out of the door. This article, if advice taken, men will spell the end to your relationship. Do not listen to what this guy is saying.

    1. What you, & many women after reading this article, fail to understand is that women pull away from men all the time. It’s usually subconscious actions, so it makes sense that you don’t even realize that you’re doing it, but it does happen all the time. A majority of my coaching clients hire me for this exact reason, “why is my girl pulling away? I do everything for her!” And the typical reason why is what I say in this article & much of my teachings…because the guy is coming on too strong & has left her without any mystery or challenge; therefore, her attraction for him drops. What you’re talking about is something COMPLETELY different. If you would have done a little more research on what I teach before dismissing my advice, you had have seen that also teach men to make their girl feel special, loved & to be 100% present when spending time with her. What this article teaches is absolutely not wrong. It’s simply about balance & maintaining a woman’s attraction.

  3. Hi Eric, i guess i made a mistake because i did pull away from my gf for a week by now but i also ignored her stories on social media (instagram) and posts etc and that could be interpreted as weak behavior from her point of view right?
    Pulling away and no contact is not the same thing and principle?

    1. It could come off as weak is you completely back off. The idea is to stop initiating until she reengages. So, if her social media posts/stories are directed towards you, it’s fine to be responsive; however, you also don’t want to engage with her social media just because she’s posting random things that have nothing to do with you or your relationship in order to get her attention. You want to look at ‘pulling away’ as more of ‘light contact’; you’re not initiating, but you’re haven’t completely disappeared either.

  4. I have to agree with Eric on this one – although like any advice, there are always caveats and one size doesn’t fit all. In general, it’s sort of a dance that men and women go through when trying to find the right communication balance. Generally, women don’t like a man who comes on too strong or appears overly needy. The knee-jerk reaction for guys is to turn up the temperature when the girl starts pulling away. Often pulling back is temporary (because they need space; things have become a bit stale; or they’re just busy). Sometimes the guy can react disproportionately, causing even more harm. Easing off the gas can help. Girls can be very situational in their feelings. One minute they are telling you how much they love you. The next minute they’re talking to you like you’re a stranger. But if you handle yourself correctly, attraction can come back. When the stock market takes a dip, you wouldn’t automatically rush to pull out all of your money. It’s about staying the course for the long-term payout, and maybe making slight adjustments along the way. Sometimes your personal stock takes a hit. And sometimes, it’s not you…it’s them. We have a tendency to internalize everything, even when the issue is not necessarily about us.

    Unless there is a strong mutual attraction, some girls will pull back if you’re the type of guy who constantly needs validation (where do we stand; how come you didn’t call me; do you still love me???) or are smothering her with text messages and calls. Women like confidence not insecurity, so hanging back and being a little more mysterious can help to stoke the fire of attraction. It has been said that women find men more attractive when their feelings are a bit uncertain, which is why chasing a woman can backfire at times.

    Ultimately, hanging back shows that you’ve got a life of your own; that you’re not relying on her for your happiness. They want a man to compliment rather than complete them. A lot also depends on your respective attachment styles. If you’re anxious when you don’t hear from your girl often enough (waiting by the phone for the next text or call) and if she’s sort of the strong independent type who will push people away when they get too close (because she doesn’t need anybody, or has issues with trust/intimacy), it could complicate things (because ultimately, she wants someone who is stable).

    If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and the conversation has become a bit dry, pulling back a bit can help add some heat and interest to the relationship. But there is a big difference between simply becoming more scarce and being altogether indifferent. You don’t necessarily want to give off the impression that you’re giving them the silent treatment. Ultimately, if you focus on yourself and keep yourself busy (with friends and/or personal goal-oriented projects aimed at bettering yourself as man), the space you build between each other will seem natural and healthy, rather than a tit-for-tat reaction to her emotional withdraw. Women can sense when your response becomes transactional, meant to make her feel the same sense of rejection that you’re feeling. So yes, pulling back can help right the ship more times than not (unless there are deeper issues). And this is not the same thing as “no contact” that you often hear about when a guy gets dumped. Communication is like a pendulum searching for constant equilibrium. A slight tweak can do wonders to help shift the energy closer to center. All things being equal, the author is spot on with his advice.

  5. I kind of agree based on my long experience with many women. I’m not boasting as I’m an older guy going through a sudden abandonment by a woman currently, not made easy because I only met for once but have been exchanging texts and emails daily for nearly 6 months. Clearly she was strongly attracted to me and I have tried to show the real me not the image of me that she may have failed. However, despite my temptation to ask her why she has rejected me and to continue reaffirming my support for her in further texts I have pulled right back and agree with the author that space creates attraction and also tests – if she really has decided to go and without a fair explanation (it could be another guy come back onto the scene) then the hard truth is she is the wrong woman for me despite my adoring her now. Love is cruel and confusing and it’s almost a cliche thst guys who don’t care a shit but do their own thing get the girls, I had the benefit of having an older sister who was exceptionally beautiful and Inobserved the guys she went for.

    1. Thanks for reading! Yes, when you’re more focused on your purpose, passions & hobbies the more likely you are to have the girl chasing you. It’s not about not giving a shit about her, because women will eventually leave those men too…but it’s about putting yourself first, while making time for her. Women tend to pull away (not always, but mostly) when men are putting them first. They begin to lose respect, because women WANT to look up to their man with respect & admiration. In fat, they must in order to maintain her love & attraction.

  6. Some predictive text errors in my comment – should read ‘not the image of the guy she thinks I am or perceived when she met me – I am a guitarist and we met at one of my gigs.

  7. Men, if you care about your relationship don’t follow this advice at all. The advice you should follow is the things that she tries to talk to you about that you don’t think is “that serious,” start taking those things seriously and COMMUNICATE with her that you are working on being a better partner for her. That’s only if you care. If want to get your pride involved and keep your hurt feelings then follow this guys advice. Also notice in the comments that women are EXPLICITLY stating that this advice is bad, but the men for some reason who got themselves into this situation where their women don’t want much to do with them— somehow agree. The blind leading the blind.

    1. While I do agree that men should actually listen to the things women tell them that do not seem “that serious” or when men think that she’s “just being emotional”, sitting a woman down & explaining to her the areas you’re working on in order to be a better partner for her is absolutely ridiculous. For one thing, are you sitting your man down & explaining to him how you’re trying to be a better partner for him? It’s a two way street. Secondly, a man seeking his girl’s approval will turn her off quicker than he can get the words out of his mouth. Your girl is not your mother, she’s your lover. Treat her as such. The truth is, in most cases a woman pulls away exactly for the reasons I mentioned in this article, whether she consciously realizes these reasons or not. The men who got themselves in this situation is due to following advice from other women, who often don’t understand their own emotions. The women who commented prove this. If you want a woman to love, respect & admire you, give her what she needs…not what she wants. One of my favorite quotes, which is SO true, by Daniel Bergner, “The biggest threat to a woman’s libido is the kind of emotional stability women are told they should crave in a relationship”. I’ve been studying female psychology & intersexual dynamics for years, not to mention dating women for 30 years…this isn’t something I’m just making up off the top of my head. I teach what works.

  8. As a female, i’m lookIng for a partner I can feel safe with always. Solid communication, honesty, and compromise is all key. I’m an adult. I have a happy fulfilled life and I’m not weak so I don’t run away from my problems. Going from hot to cold on someone might manipulate them into missing you, but it’s not going to make them feel safe, or earn their trust, or respect. Be careful of the relationship you create. Some of us don’t entertain games.

    1. You do realize that this is in response to a woman being hot/cold, right? Besides, this isn’t instructing men to play games; in fact it’s the exact opposite of that. In a nutshell, this article tells men not to chase when a woman pulls away. What exactly is manipulative about that? Unless the reason you’re pulling away is to get a man to chase you, which would be manipulative & playing games. Don’t start the game if you’re not prepared to play it.

  9. Well said Erik!!!
    Your job here on this blog I must say…I really amazing!!!
    I also noticed that u’ve actually taken out t8me to respond to what all the girls in this comment are saying, like for crying out loud bro…why should u stress yourself with their comments in the first instance, were u expecting any girl/lady to stumble upon such a revealing( secret opening) blog like this and be happy or clap hands for you??? They clearly even have no idea how their very own emotions work, so they are even entirely clueless to all this…
    I have been going through most / all of your blog posts for some time now and I can only say that this is one of the most sincere, eye opening and revealing contents I have ever stumbled upon!!! My only regret is that I didn’t come across this blog a very long time ago, because I have in all sincerity, made about 90% of the mistakes u have clearly stated here Erik! Coming across ur blog only just opened my eyes to the errors I have been making along the years now, sometimes I especially even feel like the whole blog posts were directed towards me ( lol )…I’m currently even dealing with a girl with whom I’ve made most of these mistakes with at the moment… we stay quite close to each other at home, but attend different colleges. Before the lockdown down, she was all over me when we first met through her brother who is a close friend to me…it was like an instant attraction when we met…we talked every single night, said we loved each other, she was literally all over me and would even get soo pissed at me whenever i dont take or return her calls on time…she basically couldn’t go half a day without hearing my voice or texting me…always calling me different kind of pet names as well….along the line, after becoming so confident with the attention I was getting from her, I started placing her above everything else I did, i became sooo available for her and even smothered her a lottt…at some point i noticed i was initiating texts and conversations more often than usual, i began calling more and nore and all of a sudden she just began pulling out slowly until she was no longer even in any effort whatsoever. ( at some point it seemed as if it was fine wether we even talked or not)…I called her one evening and asked what was wrong and why the sudden change in her behavior and all she could say was that she was busy and that she wouldn’t feel like touching her phone and that’s why she wasn’t reaching out anymore…she just got back to school last week to take some courses in school and it just became even worse…I was the only one texting and calling until all of a sudden she sent me a text one evening after i had called and texted her and didnt get any response that’ she has been really busy with stuffs and a lot was going on and I didn’t need to check in on her all the time’…this really shocked/hurt me… all i said was ‘ Alright then…no problem ‘ as a response, she just read it and hasn’t said a word after that till now …I’m really heartbroken right now…I dont even know what to do( some times I would still feel this urge/ temptation to call her to try reignite how we used to talk and laugh on our calls and texts) I honestly never expected this to happen because she was all over me at the beginning of this all…so i felt it was safe for me to go all in…(so to say) …all I’ve done so far for now was to not reach out for now…its been 3 days now and still no call or text from her( I was even confident in the beginning that after withing a day or 2, she would be reaching out to me again…..I guess it just became so obvious to her that I was beginning to fall so much in love with her…and boy o boy…she reacted, pulled away, started acting really different, was never initiating texts or calls anymore like she used to before( like she did almost exactly everything I’ve seen on this blog that she might do) and this only just confirmed to me that Erik knows what he is saying
    So i would advise you save your energy in continuing to enlighten us men with ur insights as u’ve been doing, instead of wasting them on replying all these girls/ ladies who are only pained that their long working manipulations on us guys are now finally been exposed with blogs like this!!!
    Once again…Keep up the work Erik!!!!!
    I would really appreciate any tip/advice or insight on my current situation)
    Thank you and keep up the Good work bro!

  10. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. We now own a home together and honestly things are good between us but over the past couple of months she has seemed to pull away a little. Unfortunately, six months into our relationship, her 20 year old son took his own life. That was extremely difficult. I did not know him well. In fact I only met him twice. For her though she still, and always will, harbors a lot of guilt. Which is totally understandable. Even though it was no fault of hers. She professes her love for me often, as I do to her. But It’s been three and a half years, and I find her crying often. She is an extremely tough woman, and only breaks down in front of me. I understand that that guilt she has will never go away. I also understand that’s why she is distant with me sometimes. She is an awesome lady and I love hear dearly. I guess I’m just venting right now to people I don’t even know, or can see. Moral of my post is, we all have struggles in life, and if you find the one in your life that there’s no question you want to be with for the rest of your life. Hang in there and support that person under any situation. Sometimes that means just letting them have there own time. Don’t smother them. We all need our alone time every now and then.

  11. Peter, your story matches mine in 100% – girl was head over hills for me for 3 months, I didn’t chase her at all, allowing her to do the most texting/talking. At some point I felt safe and wanted to text her more – that’s when she starter to pull away, but it seems to be ok still. Then she brought up some ridiculos reason that we couldn’t agree on and I tried to fix it for her… Then she totally pulled away. I wanted to see her last weekend, but she said she has other plans. I told her to reach out to me, f she changes her mind. It has been 4 days without contact now and I’m trying to focus on myself, but it’s so damn hard to shift the thinking. I know I shouldn’t contact her anymore, unless she reaches out to me… I feel it in my guts, that if I send one more message to her, I will loose all respect to myself…

    Peter, did she reach out evetually? After how many days?

  12. Lol this is horrible advice.

    If I pull away from a fella, it’s a reaction to some kind of behavior that needs to be addressed. If it’s not addressed and the fella acts like he’s fine and shows even less interest, bye.

    1. Yes, when you make the conscious decision to pull away, I’m sure that’s what it is. However, ALL women pull away from their man from time to time & they often don’t even realize they’re doing it…& this is why women do that. They’re subconsciously following their emotions. So, the text time your partner asks why you’ve been so distant, or suggests that you’re pulling away & you don’t even realize you’re doing that, this is most likely why you’re doing it. Now you know.

  13. I’m actually facing the same thing about the fact that my girlfriend is pulling away from me, I’ve done a lot for her the worst part is that I haven’t even seen her before we just started not quite long, now she’s around and I’ve the chance to see her but I don’t know how to handle the situation right now Bc she’s pulled away from me I’m trying to make her come back I don’t know how to….Please what should I do

    1. The most important lesson from what I’m talking about in this article is that you want to be (or act) unaffected by her distance. It’s difficult when you have an emotional attachment to her, because it’s very counterintuitive & it seems like you will lose her if you don’t take some sort of action…but the opposite is actually the truth; if you chase after her or try harder to get her attention again it actually pushes her away more. I’m not exactly clear what you’re saying here, but if you haven’t slept with her yet this is even more important, because she has little attachment to you at this point. However, at the same time, you are still expected to pursue at this point. So, in this case, completely back off & don’t chase her or initiate contact until she begins investing & being affectionate again…but since this is still somewhat new, if you haven’t heard from her after a week then get in touch & tell her that you would like to see her & ask her when she’s free to get together. If she declines your invite, then tell her to get in touch when she wants to get together & assume that you won’t hear from her. If you have slept with her more than once, then there’s a good chance that this is just temporary…it’s a matter of strength & patience. In this case, handle it the same way, except this time you’re not going to reach out to her after a week. You’re going to let her come to you…& she will as long as she still feels attraction for you. believe it or not, handling it this way will make you moire attractive.

  14. I’ve been constantly aggressive towards her several times during misunderstanding and now she pulled away it’s a week now… Will she reach out to me

    1. There’s a good chance that she will be back, but it really depends on how fed-up she is & how much attraction she still feels for you. By being aggressive in this way, you’re allowing her to control the frame, ultimately giving her all the power. Women don’t want this in a man. This is something that you have to watch & work on moving forward…you always want to control the frame by remaining calm & emotionally centered…be loving, but be firm. If you genuinely did something wrong in this situation, apologize (if you haven’t already…don’t repeatedly apologize). Then tell her that you want to work things out. If she’s showing resistance or uncertain about the future of the relationship, just tell her to contact you when she’s ready to work through this. Then, don’t contact her during this time. She most likely needs some space to process her emotions & see how she feels about everything. Just be confident in the value you bring to her & be patient.

  15. Yes Kristian, she eventually did reach out, but it didn’t take days or weeks like I had expected…it took several months!!! But she finally didn’t reach out after giving her soo much space and time…but I didn’t make it all that easy for her so she doesn’t take me for granted ever again!

  16. Yes Krystian*, she eventually did reach out, but it didn’t take days or weeks like I had expected…it took several months!!! But she finally didn’t reach out after giving her soo much space and time…but I didn’t make it all that easy for her so she doesn’t take me for granted ever again!

  17. I don’t know how I missed some of these comments, but just to add…when a woman has been turned off & she ends the relationship, it typically doesn’t only take a few days/weeks for her to come around again. I’ve noticed that many coaches say that no contact for 30 days is all that it takes, but in my personal & professional experience, if a girl comes back at all, it can take months. In my personal relationships, only about 50% come back after no contact, & the average time frame is about 3-5 months. The truth is, no one knows for sure, as no one can predict emotions. If a woman still has love for you & she still feels at least a little attraction (emotional attraction), & she no longer feels needed by you (& her attention isn’t being distracted by another man), there’s a very high chance that she will be reaching out to you again at some point in the future. That doesn’t mean that she wants to start a relationship again, but her contacting you after all this time suggests that she’s open to it if yoiu play your cards right & you’ve fixed the issues that drove her away. This is one of the big reasons why it’s so important that once a girl ends a relationship with you that immediately begin working on yourself; pursuing your goals/hobbies, health/fitness (body, mind, spirit), building/maintaining your social circle…including getting back out into the dating market as soon as you can. Yes, grieve the loss, but don’t allow your grief to rule over you…it will only hold you down & prevent you from becoming that attractive man who attracted the girl in the first place.

  18. Heyy Krystian…
    Yeah…I still want her after all these months, the thing with all breakup dynamics is that the dumper usually leaves the dumpee soo obsessed about them whenever they leave us, it’s all just simply because we all seem to crave or want badly whatever we cannot have!
    It was also strange to note that when I made it quite hard just a little for her to win me back, I started feeling not all that intrested as I used to be in her anymore…this only just supports one of Erik’s post I read about on this blog that we don’t really appreciate whatever comes so easy to us….the exact same thing that happened to her when I was coming in a bit too strong…which caused the break up in the first place…but all in all though…I’m glad i have her back, only that this time, it’s no longer with that much of an obsession..I’m totally fine if she stays or goes this time around!!!
    It seems u found my bit of a tale quite interesting krystian???
    Thanks Erik for ur insightful input as well, much appreciated

  19. Hi Coach

    About Compliance test and compromising to my gf request to only meet once a week and prefer me to reply to her text , which I say No
    Did I fail to comply or did I became Feminine or unreasonable and not comprising?

    About my gf saying she will contact me if she miss me …

    Is this No Contact indefinitely or Pulling away temporarily?

    Is Day 8 no news from her ..
    I saw some of your advice is to text her after 1 week is this only when she pull away?

    Is she just want to stop me from chasing her or she actually breaking up with me and leaving me again ?

    Hope to get advice

    1. No, do not reach out to her until she contacts you first. She said that she needed space & that she will contact you when she misses you. This isn’t a pull away, this is her wanting space.

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