friends with my ex

Should I Be Friends With My Ex?

Should I be friends with my ex? It’s the question everyone asks after a breakup, especially when they were offered friendship. The short answer to this question is no, you should not be friends with your ex. Not if you ever want another chance with her.

I realize that this seems like a logical way to stay on your ex’s radar. You may be thinking, if I stay friends with her then I’ll have a better chance of winning her back. Or, if I don’t stay friends with my ex then she will forget about me, find someone new and move on. Perhaps you think, she will believe that I don’t care if I don’t stay friends with her. Or even, a friends-only relationship is better than no relationship at all. All of these rationalizations are just that-rationalizations, and they will not get you what you want in the end.

It’s true that you will have less anxiety, and you will more than likely be in contact with them. However, you’re actually lowering your chances of any kind of reconciliation. As I’ve mentioned quite a bit, attraction and re-attraction are very often counter-intuitive. Relationships are largely based on emotion and NOT logic.

friends with my ex

Friends With My Ex? Bad Idea!

A lot of times when someone is breaking up with you, especially women, they offer friendship as a sort of consolation prize. It’s usually either because they don’t want to hurt your feelings or they want to keep you in backup position just in case. That ‘just in case’ is typically because they’re not 100% certain if they made the right choice in ending things with you. In many cases, they want to go out and date other people to see if someone out there is a better option. Of course this doesn’t mean that YOU can’t go out and date other people as well. However, after you’ve just been dumped, that’s the last thing you want to do. So, essentially you would be sitting around at home, pining over your ex while they go out on dates to see if they can find your replacement.

Friendship Lowers Your Value

The truth is, when you agree to friendship when you want romance it’s really only lowering your value. Even the thought of “should I be friends with me ex?” you’re basically saying that you’re willing to be her second option while she’s go out on dates to find her first option. Then you’re out! You may recall an article I wrote not long ago called, Women Want A High Value Man.

If you find yourself in this position, asking yourself, “should I be friends with my ex?”, you need to get out of it immediately if you ever want a chance with her in the future. By not accepting friendship, you’re communicating your self-respect and that you’re not putting your life on hold when she’s not even sure about you. You want someone that is 100% sure about you. In the words of author Mark Manson, it’s a ‘fuck yes’ or it’s a ‘no’.

Friend Zone With Your Ex

If you’re currently already in the friend zone with your ex, then you need to get out now! Simply tell her that “friends only” isn’t working for you. Tell her that you love her and you hope that you two can work things out one day, but you’re moving on. Tell her that she should get in touch with you if she has a change of heart. Then you walk away, apply the no contact rule and begin moving on.

If your current girl breaks up with you and offers friendship instead, tell her the same thing; in your own words of course. You must be strong, because she’s probably going to keep trying to keep you as a friend until she knows for sure that she made the right decision. It’s going to be tempting to be her friend. Ask yourself, do you really want to hear about the new guy she met, or the fantastic date she just returned home from? That’s what your friendship is going to be with her if you accept friendship. The most attractive response to being offered friendship after you’ve just been dumped is to project your self-respect and self-worth. Basically tell her, “thanks, but no thanks”, then walk away.

It’s when and IF your ex gets to the point where she misses you and realizes that life without you isn’t so good that she will reach out. That’s where you begin the re-attraction process. If they never reach out, then you’re already well on your way to moving on. It would’ve never worked out anyway if they see you adding so little value to her life.

I Can Help You

If you need help, or you’re asking yourself, should I be friends with my ex, or perhaps you are having some other issues with your dating and/or relationships. I can help you. Please visit my coaching page and book private, one-on-one coaching with me. We will get to the bottom of this and get things turned around for you.

Click here to watch a more in-depth video on this topic.

Photo courtesy: ©Thinkstock/nd3000

Do you have a question about your relationship? Send me a message of 2-3 paragraphs explaining your situation for a response. I may also use it in an upcoming post (your privacy will be respected). I must respond to my paying clients first, however. If you would like an immediate response please see my coaching page to book emergency coaching.


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