Help! My New Girlfriend Has Gone Cold!

Just about all us guys here have been in a situation where we have met a new potential girlfriend, perhaps you have begun dating and things could not be going better; she calls/texts all the time, she tells you how great you are, you have amazing dates, you can’t keep our hands off each other, the attraction is high! Then all of the sudden she slowly (or sometimes quickly) starts to take longer to respond to texts, she’s not calling as much, when you go to hold her hand she pulls it away, she’s not available for dates or cancels at the last minute. Basically you can just FEEL something is off. Panic starts to set in and you begin to fear that you are losing her. Before you know it…BAM! She has gone cold and you’re in the friend zone, or you have been completely blown off all together. Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you why this is happening and the best thing you can do to try and save the courtship and avoid the dreaded friend zone or completely losing her.

First thing’s first…stop chasing her now! Stop calling her, stop texting her, stop stalking her on social media! At this point anything you do to try and move things forward is only going to push her away further. She already knows that you like her. She must now initiate all contact for the time being. When/If she does contact you just be friendly, charming and playful. Ask her when she’s free to go out and set a definite date, then get off the phone; don’t chit chat. Save the talking for your date. And from here on out follow what I have mapped out below. If you stick with it you will see a transformation in your favor.

Probably the biggest reason why women begin to lose attraction for you and eventually go cold is because there is no sexual tension…there is no mystery or challenge for her. Basically you are moving way too fast, over-pursuing her and wearing your heart on your sleeve which is killing the sexual tension and ultimately causing the spark to quickly fade. She is more than likely not consciously thinking this, only feeling that the chemistry is simply no longer there. So she begins to back away and come up with excuses so that she doesn’t hurt your feelings. She may say things like: “I’m not in that place right now”, “I’ want to focus on myself”, “Maybe we would be better off as just friends”. These and similar excuses are just that…an excuse. In reality, her overall attraction for you has dropped and the spark has begun to fizzle out, if not already completely burnt out. For some of you it may be too late and her attraction has dropped so low that there is no hope for recovery; for others you have a chance to save yourself.

First, let me explain a little bit about mystery/challenge in the dating world, because it took me a while to understand exactly what was meant when people would say this. To put this in the simplest terms; mystery = uncertainty AND challenge = earning your love/interest. Combining these two with physical attraction creates sexual tension. That sexual tension is the driving force behind the chemistry between the two of you. It’s why you can’t keep your hands off each other when you are together and it’s why you can’t stop thinking of each other when you are apart. As you are well aware, it’s a very powerful force that feels like magic when all the ingredients are present. Side Note: This is what creates sexual tension in men as well, so if there are any ladies reading this you may want to pay attention.

So how do you turn this around if your potential girlfriend is already backing off and/or gone cold? First, just relax and have a little patience. Trying to possess her is needy behavior and a major attraction repellent for women. As a man, really your only job while in the dating phase is to lead the courtship, but you have to do it at her pace. Women are attracted to leaders, not followers. So take the lead! Asking her where she wants to go out to eat is being a follower, taking her to a place you have picked out without asking her permission is a leader. How do you know what her pace is, you ask? You must pay attention to what she does and not necessarily what she says. I have found that the best and safest way to handle this is to mirror her level of effort. Secondly, keep things light and playful. Talking about how much you hate your job or how your last girlfriend ripped your heart out is not light and it’s definitely no fun for her to hear about. Actually it’s a pretty big turn-off for her. Showing interest in her and playfully teasing her, with just a subtle hint of sexuality, IS light and fun. Plus women LOVE flirty banter! Do it with a confident, devilish smirk on your face and it won’t belong before she’s jumping your bones. Thirdly, get out of your head and drop your expectations of where things are going. Thinking too much in the future will leave you disappointed and cause you to act needy and/or clingy. Live in the present moment and focus on just having a little fun.

Next, you want to be a little mysterious where she’s not quite sure if you are serious or joking; where she’s not quite sure if you are going to call today; where she’s not quite sure where she stands with you. In turn she will be thinking and wondering about you, which will cause her attraction for you to grow. You don’t do this by playing games with her but by keeping busy and focusing on your own life and goals, and putting those first. Most women will tell you that there is nothing sexier than a man with ambition. And when you do speak with her you do this by being playful and slightly cocky with her. In the meantime, drop the ‘nice guy’ routine. Women know that’s a manipulation tactic anyway…you are not fooling anyone. I don’t mean to turn into a cold jerk, but stop with all the over-complimenting, waiting on her hand and foot and always being so available to her. Women do not find any of that attractive.

Being a bit of a challenge sort of goes hand-in-hand with being mysterious; however, before you develop any deep loving feelings,  you must have the mindset to take things slow and see how things go between you two. She has that mindset with you and she isn’t going to rush into anything. So she must be on proverbial probation, just as you are with her. You can gauge this by the amount of effort she is putting in to seeing you and communicating with you. If her effort lacks you must have the attitude that you will walk away at any time if you feel that you are being jerked around or disrespected. The catch here is that you have to mean it, not just act like that. Women find this level of confidence very alluring! Having options with other women will make this much easier. So continue dating other women until the girl you like the most begins to hint towards a commitment from you.

Of course these are just basics. There are many more little nuances that could shift her interest level one way or another, but starting with these suggestions in mind will get you much further than staring at your phone and waiting for her next text message to come through, sending her flowers or confessing all your feelings for her before the second or third date. Just play it cool, have fun and be patient. Let her come to you. Wouldn’t you rather be involved with a woman who wants to be with you by her own choosing?

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